Unpopular Opinion: Ranch Is the Trashiest Condiment Known to Man

Written By: JoAnn Snavely

WHERE’S THE FLAVOR?

When you walk down the condiments aisle of the grocery store, you’ll find an entire section dedicated to ranch: ranch seasoning, ranch making kits, and obviously ranch dressing. What about the rest of the dressings you may ask? The ranch empire has taken over the condiment section. How can such a flavorless condiment have so much clout? Why is it used so frequently? Is it the marketing, or just bad taste? Today I will be diving into the realm that is “ranch dressing” and why it shouldn’t be as overhyped as it is.

RANCH: ONLY ACCEPTABLE WITH CARROTS

Ranch is used on everything from pizza to chicken nuggets. How does a literal salad dressing get used so much? Like it literally is just seasoned mayonnaise and buttermilk. As if that wasn’t repulsive enough for you, it uses Worcestershire sauce, which if you look at the ingredients list, you would never eat it again. If mixing mayonnaise, buttermilk, some seasoning, and Worcestershire sauce can somehow create one of the most popular condiments, then you might as well mix some random liquids together, season it, name it after a place where livestock lives, and call it a masterpiece. Not only does it not make sense, but ranch is also nauseating in and of itself. One look at ranch dressing makes me want to vomit. There are so many better dressings on the market, and you chose to pick up RANCH. Where’s the flavor? Aside from the ingredients list being horrid, it isn’t even that flavorful. How can someone casually say “yea ranch is my favorite salad dressing”. The only time ranch is acceptable is when you are eating carrots, otherwise, it doesn’t make sense. There is so much possibility when choosing condiments, so why choose ranch dressing? What is the appeal to it? The answer to that question is: there is no appeal. Ranch companies like Hidden Valley must be using some sort of magic marketing to somehow have made ranch a household staple. 

CANCEL RANCH 2020

Although I don’t agree with “cancel culture”, I think it’s time that we move on from the outdated overuse of ranch. With the extended amount of condiments nowadays, it won’t be difficult to broaden our views. Add some flavor to your meals, instead of always making ranch the first choice.  Try some Italian dressing on your salad, try some ketchup with your nuggets, eat your pizza like a normal person. These simple changes can help elevate your normal day-to-day life. I’m not saying ranch should be abolished entirely. It is acceptable in some situations, but not ALL situations. Actually, on second thought, it’s never acceptable.. 

A FLAVORFUL DILEMA

Ranch may be one of America’s most popular condiments, that doesn’t mean it’s good. So why do people enjoy ranch so much? I took to Google to discover the answer to this age-old question. That search led nowhere, so I was off to experiment for myself. In my time of taste testing ranch, I have learned this much- no matter what I try ranch with, it’s still bad. Ranch’s bland flavor palette and awkward consistency should be a recipe for failure. However, it has somehow captured the hearts of millions of Americans around the world. One thing I’ve learned is that, regardless of the fact that a literal salad dressing holds dominatrix over the country, doesn’t mean it’s good. As a country, it’s time we raise our standards and find new condiments to pride ourselves in–like Chick-fil-A’s Polynesian sauce.

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