Unpopular Opinion: Cheerwine is Satan’s Soda

  Written By: Nicole Chedraoui 

If you haven’t guessed from the slew of controversial articles that have been popping up left and right, it’s unpopular opinion week at The Herald. This is the one and only warning I will be giving to those unfortunate souls that possess sympathy for such a horrid drink. In closing, this article is not meant to offend any of you trashwine lovers, well, maybe a little bit. 

I know, believe me, I know; uttering such abhorrent words on North Carolina’s cult favorite beverage may seem not only distasteful, but all around like I possess a death wish. So before you livid Carolinians come for my throat, allow me to spell out the bitterness I possess. I wasn’t born with an immense amount of hate for the bubbling liquid of satan; in fact, when I was first introduced to the attractive red bottle of soda, I was ELATED. As a lover of cherries, soda, and all things sweet and unhealthy, I thought that this would become my all time new favorite refreshment. It didn’t take long for that balloon to pop.  At first sip, on a blazing hot sunny afternoon, it came off as  just a little bit below average, perhaps an all-around mediocre soda. 

No. So wrong. Absolutely NOT. 

It’s the second sip that will get you. You raise your glass for that second sip and swallow. And that, ladies and gentleman, that very moment, is the moment you should be questioning all of your life’s decisions.  It’s the moment after the millisecond when cherry flavoring barley grazes your taste buds, that’s the moment when you realize what you’ve done.  The second your senses are no longer hypnotized by the sweet allusion of cherry and all things sugary sweet, that dreadful aftertaste kicks in. It can only be described as a mixture of stale black licorice and Delsym cough syrup. It all happens so fast. Suddenly you can’t even remember the refreshing hint of cherry; the only thing clouding your mind is the medicine-like chemicals that just entered your esophagus and there’s no turning back now. Next, comes the worst part and you just have to sit there and let it happen. 

The first thing you’ll notice upon immediately swallowing, is the dreaded lingering aftertaste. That hint of chlorine-like water mixed with poorly dissolved sugar. And what does it do? It just sits there. Right in the back of your throat. That synthetic excuse for a drink will just linger in the back of your throat, like bile that never comes up. You can try anything. Chugging milk (which EW gross, but that’s a whole other unpopular opinion), maybe eating the closest thing in your sights, or even brushing your teeth. Sadly, I regret to inform you, that that drink isn’t going anywhere–and I know from personal experience.  Every single one of the worst inhuman elements that compose this caffeinated-burgundy hell are going to latch onto the back of your throat, reminding you what a huge mistake you made. 

Do not even get me STARTED on WARM Cheerwine. I implore you, if you are a Cheerwine stan who has made it this far, the next time you drink Cheerwine, try it at room temperature and make sure to have a bucket on site.  I am more than convinced that there are several elements in the chemical compounds that are found in Cheerwine that make the human body completely and utterly convulse when consumed at room temperature. The initial aroma of sweet black cherries doesn’t even enter your sensory waves before that overpowering astringent solvent is already half way through your digestive system. Furthermore, it’s not only completely displeasurable and unrefreshing when at room temperature, it literally fills your insides with bubbling, vinegary warmth. Did reading that sentence make you nauseous too? Imagine how it feels to actually experience that!

Now, of course this is nothing but my opinion, so I think I must prove my point by means of science, revealing to you that not only does this atrocious beverage taste like moldy hot dog water, it’s also genuinely terrible for your body.  

Let’s start with the carbonation. I know what you’re going to say, BUT ALL SODAS ARE CARBONATED. Oh no, none as carbonated as Cheerwine. The creators of Cheerwine tracked down old-fashioned soda fountains in order to serve Cheerwine because the standard drink machines can’t handle the carbonation. Notice how you’ve never seen Cheerwine in a standard soft drink machine… it’s because it would literally BREAK the machine. Now you may be thinking, so what? It’s fizzy, no big deal.  While small traces of carbonation found in Sprite or perhaps Mountain Dew may not be overly harmful to your body if drunk in moderation, the levels of carbonation in Cheerwine quite literally could pose serious risks to your body. Studies show that large levels of carbonation consumption for long periods of time can lead to bone decay, teeth decay, and the symptoms and development of IBS.  The drinks’ acidic nature could quite literally eat away at the calcium in your body, lowering your mineral bone density. 

Not only that, but the drink literally earned a D in the national food department for it’s unhealthy ingredients, while the majority of other soft drinks are in the C+ or C average. Cheerwine contains 10.5 teaspoons of straight sugar per SERVING, not including the 10.5 additional artificial sugar flavoring that is also included. It also includes phosphoric acid as well as Benzoic acid, which consumed frequently and long term can burn your stomach lining and eat away at the calcium in your body.  Not cute. 

So, in conclusion, if you are someone who enjoys drinking this processed bottle of vomit and bone disease, I am going to have to politely tell you to never come near me. Ever. Like literally ever. Please seek help. 

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