If You do Any of These Five Things, You ARE THE WORST

By Darius Thornton

There are certain, unspoken rules that you just don’t break. Not morals per se, just things that society has deemed as the right way to go about things. There’s nothing wrong with going against the grain, but there are some things that are just practically universal. But sometimes, people decide to break those rules and act as harbingers of chaos and anarchy.

  1. Pronounce Cray-on like “Cray-an”

Okay, we’re gonna start with one that really grinds my gears. To some, it may not seem like a big deal, but ohhhh– I couldn’t disagree more, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Crayons are probably the first writing utensil we learned to use, even earlier than grade school. You probably used them in school before you even started using pencils. So why is it that such a sizable part of the population can’t even say the word correctly? Cray-on. Cray-on. It’s really not that hard. Pronounce it like two words. But no, somehow, even with as simple as it is to say, there are people who say “kran”. What is a kran? As in cranberry? Because that’s what I’m going to assume you mean if you call them that. Did you just project an “a” where the “o”should be or something? Or does it just magically make a different sound now, because you said so? It’s pronounced exactly like it’s spelled. Where do you get kran from? Honest question. Is there something I’m missing here?

No, there’s not. And that’s the thing with this–you all know you’re wrong. All of you know it’s cray-on. How could you not? You aren’t even close to being the majority, but there’s just enough of you for it to be annoying. Even if someone told you wrong when you were little, and you went on to say “cray-an” for the rest of your life, because you thought that’s how it was said, how did not it not click when most other people were saying “cray-on”? Did it never occur to you that you might be saying wrong, or did you just assume that the other 70 percent were? Where does it stop? Are you one of those people who insist on calling caramel (caruh-mel) “carmel”? Do you say libary, instead of library? Do you pronounce Monday like “Mondee”? Because if you do, you’re crazy, no way around it. If we’re just gonna say things wrong, why not do it for everything. Why can’t I say kuh-nife instead of just knife? English apparently doesn’t matter anymore anyway. It’s a slippery slope and it all begins with kran, so don’t say it.

  1. If You Don’t Use Dark Mode

I have much less to say about this. It’s simple, if any app gives you the option of turning on dark mode, you make the switch. That’s it. Easy as pie. Sure, before you find out about dark mode and don’t know any better display or light mode will suit you just fine. Ah, such blissful ignorance. You don’t know that there’s anything better. But after you make that fateful journey into settings, I promise your life will change for the better. Your phone’s battery life will go up by a lot and all your apps will just look so much cooler (which is a completely, objectively true opinion by the way.) Honestly, I’d venture to say that most people who don’t use dark mode either don’t know it exists, or don’t know how to enable it. Sadly, the latter was me for a time, until I made the breakthrough and ascended to the realm of the gods.

But to all of you who use light mode voluntarily, I have one question–well, technically two. Why? Do you like to be in pain? Because that’s exactly what light mode is. Pain. You may not notice it if it’s the only thing you’re ever known, but once you have a taste of the power of dark mode, you will never want to give it up. It’s intoxicating. Light mode literally makes your eyes burn like you’re staring directly into the sun. I’m not kidding, it will blind you. Do you guys like that or something? I’m sure your eyes don’t. The only way to fix it is to turn the brightness down in which case…just use dark mode. Or maybe you like having to squint to read black text on a white background. You do you, weirdos.

  1. Put Ketchup In the Fridge

Now admittedly, this one may be a bit controversial because tons of people do this. And you may think, “Why wouldn’t I? Ketchup has to be refrigerated right?” This is actually a big misconception. There are no inherent  health benefits to keeping ketchup refrigerated. There’s this notion that ketchup is like Smucker’s jelly or something and it becomes unsafe if you leave it out of the fridge. The label on the bottle may recommend you do so, but really it’s just that, a recommendation, that’s based on a misconception rather than actual science. Its natural acidity makes it self-sustaining, giving it a shelf life of up to a month sitting out. I mean, think about it, when you go to a restaurant, fast food or otherwise, and you get ketchup on the side, is it ever cold? Surely restaurants wouldn’t blatantly do something that would raise health concerns.  If you use ketchup fairly often (and let’s face it, most people do), there’s no real incentive to keep it in the fridge because odds are you’ll get through it before a month hits anyway.

On the other hand, if you just actively enjoy putting cold ketchup into your body…please explain to me why? What’s so appealing about drenching hot french fries or a burger in something that cold? With the tangy, salty taste that ketchup has, the contrast just doesn’t work at all. 

  1. Put Ranch…On Pizza

Just writing this out makes my stomach turn and thinking about it makes me gag. I’m just gonna start by saying this: ranch is horrible. It would be the worst thing to exist, if it wasn’t for it’s somehow even worse cousin, mayonnaise. It’s horrible as a salad dressing, horrible on vegetables, horrible on wings as a condiment, and, most of all, an absolute abomination on top of pizza. A travesty. A crime against humanity. I can understand and excuse a lot of things. Pineapple on pizza shouldn’t work, but it kinda does, ham on pizza is cool, broccoli on pizza is…weird, but I don’t mind it too much. But why in the Sam Hill would anyone ever put something as objectively rancid as ranch on pizza? In what world is the condiment that manages to ruin simple things–like baby carrots and lettuce–the thing you decide to put on the world’s greatest food. It’s so overpowering, it takes the tomato sauce and mozzarella hostage and practically holds them at gunpoint in your mouth. 

You may as well cover your pizza in castor oil, there isn’t much of a difference really. The fact that people can stomach this, let alone actually like confounds me. To all you pizza-ranchers, you scare me, you really do, because I can’t for the life of me figure out how people like you even exist. Seriously, what possessed someone to look at their slice of a pizza and think, “Wow, wouldn’t this be great with ranch?” And some of you don’t even stop there. Ranch on spaghetti, ranch on chicken sandwiches, ranch on… mac and cheese. You’re all crazy and I want you to stay away from me, far away. I’ll stick to my pizza the way it was meant to be eaten.

  1. Put the Milk in the Bowl Before the Cereal

With the others, there may be some room for debate, but this, this is the mark of a truly terrible individual. It is a fundamental, universal truth that the cereal goes in the bowl first before the milk. That’s just how it is, how it was, and how it always will be. It just…makes sense. So, why would you ever pour the milk in first. All it does is cause milk to splatter when you pour the cereal in and for it to get soggy even faster, which almost always ruins it (especially if they’re Fruit Loops or Frosted Flakes). There is literally no point to do it like that, and it defies all logic. Most of all, it’s just something you don’t do, even from a young age. You always pour the cereal in first, that’s it. 

But the people who do this don’t care. They don’t care about the laws or balance of nature, or the agreed-upon elements of our society. They could care less about our society at all. They know there is no point in what they’re doing, no reason, that it’s objectively wrong , yet they do it anyway, only because they can. But there isn’t supposed to be a reason, there never was one.  That’s the only reason they do anything. To them, order and chaos are one in the same. They delight in the anarchy their heinous actions bring forth. Because, simply put, some people just want to watch the world burn.

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