Death to the Mailman: Who Needs the Post Office Anyway

By Darius Thornton

The United States Postal Service is dying a slow, painful death, and President Trump and his administration are trying to put it out of its misery. If there is one thing America does not tolerate, it’s mediocrity (national men’s soccer, education, and obesity rates notwithstanding). And that is exactly why the president is taking aim. But honestly, it’s been a long time coming.  I mean, somehow the USPS has managed to become the dinosaur of its own industry, steadily bleed out billions in funds, and even become a pawn in a Democratic scheme to undermine  President Trump’s possible reelection by being an avenue that encourages voter fraud. Would it really be the worst thing in the world to privatize an independent institution or to just, you know, let it die?

For starters, why is the postal service suddenly being hailed as super important? All they do is deliver things and between logistics companies like Fed-X, UPS, and Amazon, that avenue is already more than covered. And somehow, even with the backing of the federal government and the unmatched ability to deliver to the address of every home and business of the country. Sure, Congress technically forces the USPS to operate and finance itself, but that just makes it like any other failing business. Actually, I take that back, because most normal businesses don’t manage to lose $69 billion dollars in the decade-long period from 2007 to 2018. It’s pretty clear that they can’t be trusted to operate on their own and will go under if left to their own devices. Luckily for them, our president is a gracious, brilliant, and completely ethical businessman. So, he appointed Louis DeJoy, a very successful entrepreneur and a campaign donor (not that that had anything to do with it) to the collective screeching of the Democrats and media. Seriously, can the president do anything without being vilified and having his name dragged through the mud?  So the guy doesn’t have the most experience in the area; so what? How much experience with running a company that just delivers mail and packages does someone need? We could train monkeys to do that– for free! If President Trump thinks he’s up for the job, he must be. Everyone else he’s hired seem to have all worked out perfectly. Okay, so he owns a stake in both  USPS and Amazon and that may be a conflict of interest, so what? The guy likes to make money. Since when did that become a crime? Oh right, when the president took office.  You’d best believe that if that radical, globalist, racist, socialist, communist, supremacist, fascist, dentist, centrist, terrorist, dictator Obama did this and appointed one of his crooked goons, the media wouldn’t have batted an eye. Mr. DeJoy has already made some substantial changes to cut costs, including stopping postal workers from working overtime, telling them to leave mail behind if it slows down their routes, and removing USPS mailboxes across the country (at least until the radical left-wing media pressured them into stopping that behavior). He’s clearly just trying to make them more efficient and cost-effective. This narrative that this is part of some grand conspiracy by the Trump administration to clear the way to privatize the mail industry is laughable at best. Of course, that’s what they want to do! Why is that bad? Why shouldn’t we encourage competition in all types of mail? It’s not like privatizing various industries in the past has led to disastrous results before. Capitalism, capitalism, capitalism. It’s never failed us, and it never will.

There’s also the issue of mail-in-ballots. The leftist media is trying to paint this undertaking of the postal service as some major conspiracy by the President and his administration to try and stop mail-in voting for the upcoming election. It’s not a conspiracy at all, they are trying to stop it! It poses a clear and present threat to the integrity of the election, in the form of voter fraud, an unprecedented issue, in that it has never been found to happen on any significant scale in the country’s history, but it will. Mark my words, it will. What’s to stop people from voting once and then using the address of the beach house they own in Key West and tie it to the identity of their offshore bank account. Anything to get Joe Biden in office, even if that means undermining our democratic process. I mean, if you care so much about voting, go to the polls and wait in line like everyone else. Enforcing social distancing and mask-wearing won’t be a problem at all, and everyone definitely has the time to get out to polling locations and wait. If you feel passionate enough about your chosen candidate, you should be able to be there in person. 

Back to the matter at hand, if the USPS went under, I have only two words: oh well. The 600,000 people it employs should have no problem finding work elsewhere. Heck, they may even get one in the same industry, Fed-X and UPS could always use the help. We as a society need to stop holding postal workers on this pedestal like their jobs are as important as police officers, firefighters, and other first responders. If my future child tells me they want to deliver mail when we grow up, I’m gonna have to sit them down for a serious talk. Why not aspire to be a birthday party Spider-Man or drive an ice cream truck while you’re at it? Talk about mediocrity. As soon as Amazon perfects delivery by drones, which they’ve been working on (and bragging about) for seemingly forever, they’ll be obsolete anyway. You don’t have to pay drones–and I hate to say it–but there’s way less of a chance of them messing up. Isn’t it wonderful that these gigantic corporations like Amazon will be able to make even more money by being able to cut costs? Doesn’t maximizing profit benefit everyone? I certainly think so and so does President Trump, and that’s all that matters. People that depend on the post office for groceries, bills, goods and medication and such will be able to depend on UPS and Fed-X to do the same thing, nothing of value will even be lost. 

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