Fans are Literally Sleeping on Kemba Walker, Study Shows

By: Twumasi Duah-Mensah

The graphs are slowly but surely shooting up. As the TV ratings line’s slope gets steeper, finance gurus who work for the NBA lick their lips in unadulterated satisfaction. Their league is growing.


And what better way to capitalize on this rapid expansion than with official alarm clocks?


Indeed, the NBA announced at the start of the season that, with their app, you could use their new NBA Alarm. The alarm updates itself every day, featuring the voice of a player who had an outstanding performance the night before. “Wake up, it’s game time!” the honored player bellows into your drowsy, Eeyore-droopy ears.


Financial “experts” slapped the ambitious venture with the usual “no demand in the market” stickers. Very quickly, however, these so-called aficionados were forced to retract their initial impressions and hail the new hottest app on the market. But researchers from Aubrey Graham University have found a fun—well, fun for most people—fact about the app.


The three analysts recorded how often people wake up given a certain player. Of all the stars in the league, people ended their slumber the least when the Charlotte Hornets’ Kemba Walker was the voice of the alarm. The rate, a limp 43%, was puzzlingly low for a player who has been having his best season yet and is carrying his fickle Hornets for a wobbly playoff bid.


Compare that dismal rate to the healthy rates of first-year players like Trae Young and Luka Doncic who flaunt stats of 67% and 78% respectively. The Herald has spoken to a few Hornets fans who find the news bittersweet—embarrassing that, after all his work, their franchise point guard is still unappreciated, but upbeat about the study being literal proof that Kemba Walker is slept on.


“I’ve been saying it forever,” one Charlotte-based fan told us. “Kemba Walker, who, by the way, is our best player ever, is criminally underrated. I wish Trump would stop deporting illegals and start deporting dummies who sleep on Kemba.” But when asked about his level of support for his hometown team, he had a drastically disparate picture to paint.


“Well, I don’t really buy any Hornets gear,” he started. “I haven’t gone to any games yet. And I only really watch games on TV, maybe, once a month. But even I know that Kemba is slept on, alright?”


It’s important—and encouraging—to note, though, that other up-in-arms Hornets fans had games of which they could remember the date. It’s also important to note that a good amount of these fans were complete nerds.


“We were playing the Wizards on December 2nd, 2008,” reminisced a nostalgic supporter, “and it was my first game. I still remember that first shot from D.J. Augustin, who is very underrated, by the way. The way he used his off hand to get that force and shoot was great, man.”


See? Nerds.


Non-Hornets fans were questioned for why they were ignoring the blossoming of Kemba.


“Who the hell cares about the Charlotte Hornets?” one fan answered, indignant that people dared to ask why the 28-year-old lacked his deserved limelight. “Maybe start by making the playoffs first, and then people might care.”


“Dumb decisions by the general manager,” said another fan to justify Kemba’s being slept-on. “‘Oh, I know! Let’s trade Kobe Bryant for nothing!’ Charlotte is so stupid; that’s why they lost their team in the first place.” The anonymous fan follows a long list of commentators, writers, and junkies alike who have criticized the Hornets for drafting Kobe Bryant then trading him when Bryant and his team threatened for him to play in Italy if he didn’t end up on the Los Angeles Lakers.


“Yeah, Kemba’s cool and all, but [Brooklyn Nets point guard D’Angelo Russell] is better,” a third fan bluntly stated. “Shoot, even Trae Young is better.” Wow.


It seems that a concoction of blissful ignorance from non-Hornets fans and an absence of zealotry from Hornets supporters has led to the disappointing results of the alarm clock study. More awareness for the endangered Hornets fans species will go a long way to ensure that all fans (literally) awaken to the legend of Kemba Walker.


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