By: Nick Swafford
Do you smell that?
Oh man, that smell. That smelly smell that smells…smelly. It smells…yeah, it smells like BROKE.
You heard me, it smells like broke in this joint. All of you people without Airpods are stinking up the place.
As someone that has recently obtained the legendary earbuds known as Airpods over Christmas break, I can tell all of you that you need to get some deodorant, you reek of broke. Ever since I got these Airpods my life has been on the up and up. I’ve recently surpassed Jeff Bezos as the richest man alive, and I’m living the best life possible. Pairing my Airpods wirelessly with my sweet discontinued iPod Nano is one of the best feelings anyone can ever experience. Truly a moment of pure bliss. Everyone thinks you need an iPhone XS to match the astounding bliss of Airpods, but that just isn’t the case. I rock the old iPod Nano as I’m just jamming out, head bumping and all. Buying the new iPhones just isn’t the wave anymore, everyone cool knows that buying that old stuff like Nanos and pairing it with Airpods is the new thing.
You know what the best thing about Airpods is though, besides the fact it has no wires and great sound quality?
They don’t fall out. No matter what I do, they just don’t jump out of my ears. I bet I could wear these bad boys on the wing of my gold-plated private jet no problem, it is just impossible for them to stop blessing my ears with my music without me taking them out intentionally. There is literally nothing that can pull these earbuds away from my ears other than my hands. Gravity is no match to the power of the Airpods. Ever since I got these Airpods, I’ve been ballin non-stop. It’s like as soon as I put the wireless earbuds into my ear, billions upon billions of dollars were transferred into my bank account and now I’m a king among men. Whenever I see the peasantry without Airpods, I am severely repulsed and nauseated. Wires are a thing of the past, and anyone who still has them should rethink their lives.
Those people I see on social media that are buying houses at 18 and making a name for themselves are no competition to me; I’m the richest man in the world. They are ants and I am a giant. I’m so much better than literally everyone. I am a king—a god, even. Those who can’t experience the euphoric sound of the Airpod container opening and closing have absolutely no idea what they are missing out on. Speaking of the container, naysayers say it looks “ridiculous” and like a box of floss, but that’s only because the container is looking so fresh and clean. And the box charges the earbuds as they are waiting for their next use—an absolute game changer that only the most prestigious individuals can experience. All other wireless earbuds are no competition with their funny wires and weird looks; they simply can’t touch the sleekness of the Airpods.
Sometimes I don’t even listen to music while having my Airpods in, I just have them in to look cool and to flex on all of the people that don’t have the power that is held within the Airpods. Without the music playing, I can just eavesdrop while looking unsuspicious and fly as hell. It’s truly the best thing invented since toilet paper and has changed my life forever. To all of you who have yet to obtain Airpods, step up your game and just get them, you’ll immediately be crowned a king and live your best life. Go forth and get them Airpods, you peasants.