By: Malena Esposito

“Wait a second — you don’t eat meat? Or cheese? Is something wrong with you?”

As a matter of fact, yes, there is. Hi, it’s me. I’m just your average hippie-aspiring, pasty-looking, nutritionally-deprived teenage girl. But I promise, I’m fine.

My day-to-day life is pretty simple, actually. And boring! Every morning, I wake up at 5 am to milk the almonds. After that, I have 4 bananas for breakfast because I have no idea what to eat. I also like to take all twenty of my supplements around this time. But within a few hours, I get hungry and start munching on a head of lettuce or nibbling on some bark on the trees in my backyard. Since I’m so nutritionally deprived, I have to be sure to drink enough water too, but it has to be sustainable. That’s a fish’s home we’re talking about!

For lunch, I have a salad. With carrots. And maybe some more fruit from breakfast. Sometimes, I’ll switch it up with potatoes, but then I get hungry again and eat more bark outside. It’s fresh, after all! Once dinner rolls around, I eat another salad. I promise they’re good. And for dessert, I have even more fruit because vegan junk food doesn’t exist. But more often than not, I’m in bed super early. Being protein-deficient really makes you tired!

Oh, I almost forgot! I also happen to be in a cult, full of preachy animal-lovers and meat haters. Most of the time, we just talk about how meat is murder and how rude we have to be people who don’t follow our ways of life. However, we do have snacks at every meeting! All different types of greens — kale, romaine, red leaf, spinach, iceberg — you name it! Gosh, makes my mouth water at the thought of it!

But do you know what’s really hard? The holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, you name it. It’s incredibly difficult, the cravings for dead bird really get to me. Yeah…now that I think about it, I don’t know why I’m doing this. I just want attention, I’ll probably give it up soon. But for now, back to my rabbit food!

(SATIRE)