We Have A Confession to Make; We are Fake News

By: Elizabeth Klein

We at the Heritage Herald would like to apologize; we’ve not been honest.  Every article published, every fact passed along, every notification sent has all been false.  We’d like to publicly renounce our past transgressions with a confession: we’re fake news.

What?

We know.  If you need a moment to take a breather, that’s okay.  It might be hard to hear, but it’s true.  Since its beginning, the Heritage Herald has been a complete and utter lie.  We’ve been doing it for a long time now; oblivious to the fact that almost all other credible news sources in the nation were doing it too!  When the president called CNN “fake news” during a January press conference, we took some serious time to analyze the source, as well as many other media outlets.  After comparing various famed news sources, we found that we–and almost every other paper like us–share similar characteristics.  That means that practically every article you ever read was FAKE NEWS!  

That can’t be true.

Oh, but it is!  Who are we to contradict the leader of our country?  If he says we’re fake news, then we must be…right?

Why?

That’s an easy one.  What we try to do is write articles laced with untruths; filling our readers’ heads with information advantageous to us that they may spread like the plague.  Remember Malena Esposito’s article, “How to Deal with Stress?”  It was a ploy to get students to relax and not care so much about their grades.  If students stop spending so much time on their schoolwork, their grades may suffer.  This is exactly what we wanted; if everyone else at school has lower grades, we at the Herald look better.  Do you recall Jo Rochelle’s piece on “6 Famous Figures you Thought Were Real, but Actually Aren’t”?  Her intentions in writing it were to depress students to the point of becoming homebound with their sadness; reducing the number of people in the halls and cutting down the time it takes to get to class.

For how long?

Since the beginning of the Herald.  We built a foundation on falsities; our very roots grew from the seeds of fabrication.  We select staff writers based on the deftness with which they can deceive; our editors are experts in exaggeration.

Now what?

Well, you have two options.  You can either boycott us, or you can keep reading.  If you choose the former, we’ll respect your decision.  We understand if you want to eliminate fake news from your life. But if you do, then make sure you also stop reading the New York Times, NBC, Fox, the Guardian, Washington Post, Telegraph, and USA Today. Because if CNN is fake news and the Herald is fake news, then so are each of those papers. So if you want to keep reading, we’ll understand that, too. We’re going to keep filling your head with lies.

Advertisements