By: Kara Hazelton
BREAKING NEWS: Much to the public’s horror and surprise, a recent turn of events has revealed the secret life of Frederick Rogers, the troll that lives under the Roger Road Bridge.
The three senior boys who were recently trespassing onto the construction site came across Frederick after accidentally stepping into his living-room, and crushing his beard.
The boys reported that they were simply “trying to get to Sheetz, and the fastest way was across the bridge.” However, since the bridge has been under construction, the boys claimed they were forced to walk through a “nasty trench,” which just happened to be Frederick’s home.
“It’s not our fault that this ridiculous troll chose the worst spot to live. I mean, who would even want to live in that dump?” stated the smallest boy. “We didn’t mean to cross into his territory, and then he just jumped out, threatening to eat us… I mean, that’s disgusting. What kind of society do we live in now?!”
Frederick reportedly let the first two, less muscular boys, journey on, but refused to let the third, Buff the Beefcake, continue without a fight.
“I was simply defending myself,” Buff stated. “He came at me with those disgusting stubby arms and I just swatted him out of my way,” he said pridefully, squeezing his “guns.”
When asked, the troll told a different story, in which he was more the victim than the miscreant. “I was just taking a snooze under the poor, worn and rotted planks of wood I call my home when these boys come out of nowhere and start destroying everything! I’ve lived here for over a century, and I’ve never experienced a time as horrendous as the past few months,” Frederick stated when asked how the situation has affected him. “They were so offensive… I do not live in a nasty trench. I mean, I know it’s not perfect, it could definitely be dusted and the kitchen could be redone… but it’s MY home, and those boys have no right to criticize. Secondly, I do not attack or threaten people without reason! They were trashing my already disintegrating home and Buff the Beefcake threw himself at me. I just did what any noble troll would do and tried to defend my honor.” He sighed, “those pesky boys.”
But this was not the first time he’s encountered humans. With all the construction taking place on the bridge, his once peaceful home has turned into a destroyed and destitute land. The Herald took this opportunity to ask Frederick’s opinion on the bridge restoration,
“Ya’know, it honestly makes me so upset! The reason I chose this bridge to live under all those years ago was, well, because my parents kicked me out from the Forestville Road Bridge, but also mainly because of Roger’s–that’s what I named him [the bridge]–instability and charm. Not only is the construction destroying my home, but it’s also making the air and environment around me unsafe for troll-life; however, one thing I don’t miss is the sound of angry teenagers and parents driving across my bridge; it was so annoying.”
For the sake of Frederick’s health and home, the foreman of Roger’s Road Bridge construction is considering cancelling the bridge makeover.