By: Malena Esposito

Here at Apple, we are excited to introduce to you the iPhone 7 and the iPhone 7 Plus. It’s most revolutionary and innovative devices ever, because we said so.

The iPhone 7 is now available in the new shiny “Jet Black”, allowing you to see every single fingerprint you’ve ever made on it. We also offer a matte black finish, which we have given the ingenious name of “black”.

We know you have only asked us for group Facetiming and wireless charging, but we ignored all of that and gave you wireless headphones instead. Don’t worry though, you can still use your old headphones. We created the “dongle”, which is inserted into your lightning charging cable, attaching your corded headphones. Soon, asking people for their ‘dongles” will become a common question.

Want the AUX cord? Nah. Rechargeable and lasting up to five hours, the brand-new AirPods will fall out every time you use them. We hope you lose them because they are $160, which will go toward our next, new product we can’t tell you about.

On the iPhone 7 Plus, we have added a second camera, allowing for uglier selfies and double the amount of Snapchat dog filters.

Now, you may think the home button is just a button, but it is so much more. We have completely redesigned it, making the home button touch-sensitive. In a way, it really isn’t even a button at all.

We have also added dual speakers and water resistance, ensuring that your experience is the same as it could’ve been if you purchased an Android years ago.

After throwing away all of your old headphones and speakers and buying our new products, only functional with the iPhone 7, you will probably be in debt. But at least you’ll be broke in style.