College Board-Authorized Pencils for SATs Found to Cause Unknown Illness

By: Kara Haselton

In a startling report by the CDC, the pencils that are given out by administrators before taking the SAT have been found to cause an unknown illness in students taking the test. According to CDC officials, the full effect of this new illness is yet to be identified; however, it does seem to be fatal, causing 100% of students to die at some point in life.

Dr. Theodore Thomas, a scientist and professor at the University of California discovered that these pencils are not like the typical #2 regulation. The wooden tools of death are especially made specific for SAT test takers. Many different kinds of harmful chemicals are found in the pencil lead; the chemicals are inhaled by students when they bubble the score sheets and the invisible pencil dust floats up into the nostril, Official of Health, Dr. Shane Kane stated at a press conference concerning this issue.

Students have commented on how their energy and physical tiredness would drain while taking the test, afterwards feeling absolutely exhausted and braindead. “As time went on, I began to care less and less [about the test] and would become so tired I just started bubbling random letters.” stated sophomore Betsy Jones from her hospital bed, surrounded by friends and family grieving over her state. After hearing about these troubling physical and mental signs of deterioration, administrators such as teacher Mr. O’Daniel, began to look into why students may be feeling this way. “I always thought students were just staying up really late and not studying at all for the SAT, or that maybe the SAT is just so incredibly long and unnecessary. I never thought about the pencils we hand out being dangerous, but it totally makes sense!”

This very scientific and logical finding has resulted in SAT college board and administrators now voting on whether they should take precautions and cancel the SAT forever, or just consider allowing students to use the previously banned mechanical pencils instead. “Now, I think we’ll have students use mechanical pencils instead. After all, technology is the future,” stated SAT college board official Stacy Lewis.